The Hogwarts Chronicles
by Fuffuster
Summary: Three girls and a host of others are sent to Hogwarts to learn magic, and hilarity ensues. What's going to happen in this ridiculously Mary Sue-like parody? No popular teen culture craze is exempt from the wit of our silver pen! SUSPENSE!
1. I

**The Hogwarts Chronicles**

It's a parody, so calm down if the characters aren't canon. ALL LULZ WILL BE REVEALED IN TIME! Written by me and my friend Jen (she wrote this first chapter).

* * *

**Chapter One**

The day was sunny. Mariah was sitting on her front porch. Sixteen and a bit dead inside. School was dragging on, the days were getting longer and she wished they would just get shorter. She knew in a year she'd be in the same exact spot, doing the exact same thing. She rocked back and forth in her rocking chair, clutching her book to her chest.

"Yes" she thought, "Yes, tomorrow may be different but it's all just the same anyhow."

Just then, she saw a shadow move across the sky. Her eyes flickered up to the sun, and something screeched. With a flutter of wings, and a brown feather dropping into her paint-stained lap, there was a letter lying at her feet. She bent over, picked it up, and opened it...

* * *

Mike was sitting in class. The teacher kept on teaching them incorrect facts. Everytime she said something, he would raise his hand and correct her.

"That's not true, woman, the holocaust did not happen."

She smiled tightly, and then went back to writing on the white board. The smell of dry erase filled the room, and his frustration filled his blood. He growled beneath his breath, then raised his hand again. This time, the teacher didn't call on him. He shook his hand a bit, getting more and more frustrated by the second, but still... she did not call on him. Finally, he broke out.

"Miss, I need to use to the facilities." She rolled her eyes, and with a wave of her hand, dismissed him.

He walked casually out of the room, down the empty hallways, his eyes exploring the lockers and the pictures taped to them. Finally, he turned a corner and entered the bathroom. He popped some pimples in the mirror, looked at his reflection, then moved to wash his hands. In the sink, there was a letter addressed to him with a red wax seal. He sputtered, confused, wondering if he had dropped it and then he opened it....

* * *

Holly was laying in bed, the bong next to her. Her bedroom smelled like marijuana. She casually picked up a bottle of cheap perfume and sprayed it. She knew it was a feeble attempt to cover up the smell, but at least she tried. She was messed up on Valium today, and she felt good, though if perhaps a bit bored.

"Holly, mail!" her father said, and he dropped a letter on her bed. Huh, funny, he didn't seem to notice the smell... or at least he didn't say anything.

Who was writing to her? She picked up the letter, looked at it. It had no return address. Hmm... she broke the seal...

* * *

Kyle hadn't done shit all day. He had dropped out of highschool, and was sitting around. The bong was next to him, but all he had was shit weed. It was brown, and dirty, and didn't get him high unless he smoked mass amounts of it. He took another hit of the bong. The television was on in the background. He was watching the discovery Channel, and right now, there were whales swimming in the ocean. He took another hit of the bong. He wasn't even high. His life sucked. He didn't have a job, his girlfriend was a whore. It was always the same old shit.

"Kyle!" his dad called down to him. He sighed, and he hid the bong at the foot of his bed. He was allowed to smoke, he just didn't want for his father to ask him where he got the weed.

"What!?"

"There's a letter for you. It looks pretty fancy. Maybe you finally got a fucking job and will stop mooching off of us."

Kyle ran to his father, grabbed the letter, wondered for a second why they would send him something about a job through the mail. He ripped it open and it said....

* * *

Brandon was in juvie. He had been behind bars for fifteen days now. He had been caught stealing five nyquils from a grocery store and was stuck here. They were trying to make him better, they said, well fuck being better. He was now in his room, the boy next to him had a teardrop beneath his eye.

"Hey bro, did you kill someone?"

"No, did you?"

"Nawh, just a dog, but it was badass!"

Brandon rolled his eyes, wanting nothing more than some marijuana, morphine, cocaine, anything.

"Mail's here, kids," the cop said. Brandon sat upright, surprised. He rarely got mail, and usually if he did, it was from his mother. He knew it wasn't from her because it had a red seal on it. Maybe it was finally his ticket out! He snatched the letter and tore it open....


	2. II

****

Chapter Two

Alright, here's the second chapter - written by me this time.

* * *

Far, far away from the worlds of Mariah, Holly, Mike, Kyle and Brandon in both space and comprehension, there lived a girl. It was a perfect summer day, and the sun shone down warmly upon the houses of la créme de la créme of the Upper East Side, but inside Lisa, it was always raining. She couldn't stand the way her parents spoiled her with love and material possessions, and the only release for her angst and suffering was in the commissioning of dark and macabre art. On this particular day, Lisa was in her room, making angry red slashes over a blank canvas, and crying inside of herself, thinking that nobody understood her quite as well as the lead singer of the band Brand New. Just as her thoughts began to stray from her inner suffering to the Canadian boy with whose artistic agony and deeply philosophical intellectualism she had fallen in love with, she heard a soft _tap, tap_ at her windowpane.

_I wonder who that could be?_, she thought to herself darkly. _It can't be my friends. Nobody likes me_.

Curious, she waddled over to her window, and was surprised to see a large brown barn own perched on her windowsill. In its beak, it held a thick, yellow elvelope with a scarlet seal...

* * *

A few thousand miles away from Lisa - though for all his suffering they could have been half a world apart - James lay in his bed, thinking of his love as he strummed some melancholy notes on his guitar. He wished bitterly that somebody could understand his crippling depression, for though he loved Lisa and Lisa loved him, his only comfort was in self-injury. He stared at himself in his shattered mirror, at his arms laced with tattoos and his face embossed with piercings, and the off-white powder still clinging to his black soul shirt.

"Woe is me," he sighed ironically.

As he turned to make another considerable dent in the cocaine on his nighttable, he noticed a large envelope being slid beneath his door...

* * *

Jen decided that she wasn't any happier as she slid from beneath Tim, or Tom, or whatever his name was - the important thing was that he'd brought the drugs. She was sure that at this very moment, the boy who had stolen and smashed her heart was either sitting around doing absolutely nothing, or else messing around with the new slut that she'd been replaced with.

_So fuck you, Kyle_, she thought. _Even pills are better than you_.

As she leaned over the edge of the bed to steal Ryan's - or was it Reggie's? - leftover pills (for he had fallen asleep after her aggressively initiated lovemaking), she noticed an envelope sealed with red wax sticking out of his pants pocket, and it had her name on it...

* * *

Sorry for the shortness. I promise they get longer.


	3. III

**Chapter Three**

This one was written by Jen. The girl is hilarious as hell, amirite?

* * *

"Dear Student, you have been accepted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy. It seems you have insane magical powers that have been hiding inside of you this whole time! Wow, explains a lot, amirite? Collect you necessary belongings, and please come to Platform 9 and three quarters on the 1st of September."

Lisa read the crinkled letter in her hand. She was standing on the platform now. It had taken her awhile to figure out how to get there, but after watching people dressed in what looked like the uniform she had purchased, she caught on and did exactly as they were doing.

Now, she was waiting. James had told her he'd meet her here, and she was looking around anxiously. She had been so excited to hear that her love had been accepted too, and now they were finally getting to meet in real life. He had promised her he'd be there, and that they'd sit on the train to go there together. Her heart was fluttering at just the thought... her thighs were tingling and jiggling. Oh, to finally be in the arms of the man she adored....

But when she looked, she couldn't find him. Her eyes scanned the crowd, but instead of seeing him she saw someone else. She blinked, hoping maybe the image would fade away, but instead the face just became clearer as the girl came closer to her. She must be mistaken! There was no way SHE had been accepted too. OH GOD, AND NO! Standing next to her was another girl... the other girl she couldn't stand... and there was.. triple trouble. She forgot about James for a second, and as anger, hate, and pain passed through her bones she reached into her purse, pulling out a King Size snickers bar. Chocolate would cure her for a second, while she took the time to recapture her thoughts.

* * *

Jen, Mariah, and Holly had come to the train station together. Holly had known immediately how to get on, and when Mariah and Jen looked at her skeptically she chuckled.

"Duh, you just walk into the wall. It's in the books, guys."

Now, they were standing around the train, their Louis Vuitton bags in their hands, containing all the belongings needed for a year at this boarding school somewhere in England. Jen clicked her high heels on the ground, chewing on a perfectly manicured nail. Mariah looked spectacular in a Dianne Von furstenburg skirt that matched the Hogwarts colours perfectly, and Holly showed off her Dior sunglasses.

"This is fucking weird." Mariah said, squinting as she looked out into the crowd around her. "So, we like have magical powers? Do you think we can use them to remove the clothes from some of these mighty fine men?"

"I fucking hope not," Jen said.

"Yeah, you're right. We'd probably fuck it up and make EVERYONE get naked."

They started walking, aimlessly. Holly was looking at the train, trying to find a perfect car to board. She wanted to avoid dumb people, ugly people, and girls. From the looks of it, it would be hard.

"Drug-addled sluts..." the voice was but a malicious whisper, but all three of the girls heard it, and their heads swiveled to the side.

There stood their worst nightmare. It was fat, it was ugly, and it wasn't wearing a bra underneath her expensive, but terribly unfashionable, white shirt.

"OH GOD!" Mariah exclaimed, "I THINK I JUST THREW UP A LITTLE IN MY MOUTH."

Jen arched an eyebrow, and looked at the girl who she had long ago thrown out as a joke.

"Hmm.. Holly, Mariah, did you know they accepted whales here?"

"No," said Holly, "But I've heard there's a lake they can swim on and a never-ending supply of food. Maybe she'll fit in, you never know."

In unison, all three of the girls smiled and walked on, leaving Lisa standing there, her jaw open. She reached for her phone to call James and tell him the news. She knew he'd freak out; the last person he wanted to see was Jen. He hated her. His phone rang for thirty seconds, though, and then sent her straight to the answering machine.

* * *

Short chapters are short.


	4. IV

**Chapter Four**

This one's by me.

* * *

James blanched as his cell phone rang yet again - the fourth time in ten minutes. He checked the called ID. Lisa, again. He sank back into the train seat with a dramatic sigh and answered it. "Hello?"

"James? Where are you? The train is about to leave. I don't see you anywhere. What's going on?"

"Oh, uh, Lisa.." he trailed off, stalling. "..I'm really sorry, but I started cutting again this morning after, uh, my dad, uh, yelled at me, so, uh.. you know, they admitted me," he stammered weakly.

"Admitted you?"

"You know," he said, "to an asylum."

Silence. "What?"

"Sorry, baby," he said. "I can't meet you there. You know how it is. So much to cut, so little time. We'll have to meet on another day."

"But James, I need you," she whined. "No one else will like me. I won't know who to copy. There are so many people here. And what the hell is going on in the background?" she demanded.

James tossed an angry glare at the kid beside him, who had been loudly blasting The Jonas Brothers. "Just music therapy, ma petite (LOL). Nothing to worry about."

"Fine, whatever," Lisa snapped. "I guess I'll see you at Hogwarts when you get out." A dramatic click signalled the end of their call.

_Shit_, he thought. He'd been hoping that she would give up and go home without him. Then _he_ would be free to go on to Hogwarts without _her_.

_Oh, well. I'm pretty good at bullshitting. If we run into each other, I'll think of something. I_ am _a wizard, after all_.

* * *

Jen, Holly and Mariah sidled into a cabin, empty save for one boy sitting alone in the corner, gazing out the window. Awkwardly, Mariah slid in next to him while Jen and Holly took the seats parallel to her. After a couple of minutes the train took off from the station and they fell into excited conversation.

"Have you noticed that people keep stopping and looking in here?" Mariah pointed out after the fifth or sixth group of passing girls had paused to giggle for an extended period of time after glancing into their cabin.

"Yeah," responded Jen, "but it's not every day that three sixteen-year-old--"

Just then, quite possibly the most traumatic experience the three girls had ever collectively had in their lives occured: Lisa slid open the door to their cabin and stepped inside. The conversation dropped instantly.

"What the shit are you doing in here?" questioned Holly sharply. "Why can't you could pick another cabin to crash? I'm sure most people would clear out of theirs once they saw you."

"lol," Lisa responded, at a loss for words. She would never give her arch rivals the satisfaction of knowing that she had decided to attach herself to them, for they were the only people here that she knew, and she had to have _someone_ to copy.

Silently, Lisa squeezed herself in between Holly and the wall - no mean feat for her to accomplish. After a few awkward moments of prolonged silence, the seventh group of girls that day stopped outside their cabin, giggling, before continuing on their way.

"_What_ is their problem?!" Mariah said finally, breaking the tension. "I mean, I know she's fat, but--"

"It's not you they're laughing at," sighed the boy in the corner suddenly. "It's me." He turned.

His face was pale to an exaggerated degree, constrasting strongly with his dark, auburn hair and golden eyes. Several descriptive nouns immediately popped into their heads in conjunction with his face, including "godly", "ethereal", "angelic", "perfect", and other overused synonyms from the book, the exact source of which escaped them at the moment.

"OMFG!" squealed Lisa like a kicked piglet.

The boy rolled his eyes dramatically. "I'm Edward," he announced finally, clearly used to such reactions from girls.

"Wait a second," said Holly, confused. "Aren't you Cedric Diggory?"

"Nope, I'm definitely Edward."

"I'm pretty sure you're Cedric Diggory. I saw the movie, you know."

"Cedric died in the fourth book," he said. "I'm Edward now."

"Makes sense," she replied, after considering it for a moment. "So where's Bella?"

"Well, for the purposes of this story, the potential for lulz is much greater if she doesn't exist," he explained logically.

"OMFG!" Lisa squealed again, bouncing in her seat; the train wobbled dangerously.

"THIS ISN'T THE INTERNET!" yelled Jen. "USE YOUR REAL WORDS!"

"Useless dialogue!" Mariah chimed in.

After this brief exchange, the three girls fell to talking again, while Edward napped in the corner and Lisa pulled out her latest book of the moment, _I'm Shallow and Cliché_ by Smith Elliot. The rest of the train side passed without incident.

When they arrived at Hogsmeade Station, the four girls were shepherded along with the other first-years, loaded onto small boats to sail dramatically across the lake (Lisa had a boat to herself), after which they were steered into a large, empty hallway by Hagrid in front of a set of large wooden doors. After waiting in near silence for what seemed like hours, a bent, austere-looking witch strolled up to the large group from behind them.

"I am Professor McGonagall," she explained, her expression severe. "You will soon enter the Great Hall, where you will be sorted into your houses." Without another word she turned, and with a flick of her wand, the doors were thrown open.

The Great Hall was, indeed, great; four long, parallel tables ran the length of the entire hallway, populated to their full capacity by students of all ages, shapes, and sizes. The ceiling above them was thrown into the murky grey of an uneasy, starless twilight, and candles hung suspended in the air above the tables, casting a warm pallor over the students' faces. At the head of the room, a raised platform housed a table and dozens of members of staff. The three girls shuffled in line behind the other first years, their size and age instantly apparent.

"Well, at least we aren't the only ones who stand out," whispered Jen. "Look, those boys much be our age, too." She pointed to a few boys standing in the line ahead of them, looking as awkward and out-of-place as they did.

"Another year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardly!" boomed a loud voice from the head of the room. Silence fell instantly.

An old, jolly-looking wizard had stood from his place at the center of the faculty table, his arms spread wide in a welcoming gesture. His beard was long and snowy-white and his robes were of the palest blue (and, in Lisa's opinion, so last year). The girls were immediately of the impression that they were like this man.

"I am Professor Gandalf," he explained, his voice magically amplified. "This year, something most unusual is happening at Hogwarts. Several older students from across the world have come to bestow the great gift of their presence upon this school for puposes of lulz and experimentation. If you see them, please be as welcoming to them as you would to a sparkling, centuries-old virgin vampire as if you were a sixteen-year-old girl who enjoys buying into tales of propoganda and teenage popular culture. And now, without further ado," he said, "let the sorting begin!"

For the first time, the girls noticed a small, three-legged stool standing alone before the staff table. Upon it sat a single old, poorly-patched hat, brown and falling apart. To their shock, a wide hole like a mouth ripped open near the brim of the hat, and a catchy tune burst forth from its magical depths:

WHEN I WAS  
A YOUNG HAT  
MY SEAMSTRESS  
TOOK ME TO DIAGON ALLEY  
TO SEE A MARCHING BAND  
SHE SAID, SON WHEN  
YOU GROW UP  
WILL YOU SORT  
THE KIDS INTO THEIR HOUSES  
AND CAUSE GENERAL LULZ?  
I SAID--

"AND NOW, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO," Professor Gandalf repeated loudly, clearing his throat, "LET THE SORTING BEGIN!"

* * *

REVIEWS PRZ! COME ON, IT'S NOT THAT BAD.


End file.
